*disclaimer this post my include a bit of emotion and ranting. This is a full-fledged feelings post!
I feel like no matter who you are for some reason “we” think relationships are supposed to be a piece of damn cake. Why? No one ever said relationships are supposed to be easier. No one ever said even said relationships will be easy. Every relationship is going to have a challenge, or two, or three or ten.
I’ve been in a relationship for about 9 months now that is starting to make me think twice. I met this guy on OKCupid after about a 3 month single period (after my breakup with a boyfriend of 4 1/2 years). The beginning of the relationship was great and a typical hangout when we had time relationship. After a few months into being more serious, he said he might be moving to NY and that he wanted to take things back a step (back to casual) because he didn’t want to commit to something if he was going to move. Oddly enough that made our relationship stronger and ever since that convo we were hanging out 2-4 times a week. He didn’t end up moving and our relationship continued down the serious path it was on. Fast track to middle of September and I am back in school (with a heavy course load) and not to mention also working odd hours to cover my bills. So our time around each other slowed down a bit (understandably), then in October her started working for a new company (instead of himself as he had been) and his schedule became completely full. Up until the last couple weeks we both seemed to put effort into making our schedules work to see each other at least once a week but this last week that all seemed to change. On both ends not just his but also mine.
This past weekend we had originally made plans to get together to go to the local science academy or just a walk the Golden Gate before I went to work but when I woke up that morning, I just had this odd feeling of I just didn’t want to go. So I texted him and said “Hey I think I’m going to stay home and do homework before work tonight, wanna come over tonight when I’m off.” and his response was “oh okay cool, maybe not tonight I was really looking forward to having alone time.” It didn’t even phase me that he didn’t want to hang out. Not to mention he didn’t even end up staying home alone that night, he ended up going out with some friends. Again it didn’t even phase me that he’d rather hang with them than me. Anyways, We went on to make plans for Sunday night instead since I had the evening off work, but again Sunday came around and a few hours before getting off work I texted him asking “You staying home tonight?” and his answer was “planning on it.” Even though we had already committed the prior day to spending the evening together. ,We both just seemed to not care, that we suddenly weren’t going to be hanging out.
This recent situation has gotten me to thinking over the past few days (and honestly is something I have thought about off and on over the past few months). Even though when we are together we always have an amazing time, we have great chemistry and truly seem to enjoy being around each other, I just don’t think I’m happy. Which in all reality isn’t fully true. When we do spend time together, I am happy. I have a great time and am content. But that’s just it. I’m just content.
I honestly don’t want to just be content. This feeling of just being content isn’t what I’ve hoped for in a relationship. I want it to be a non stop adventure.
In this contentedness that I feel I’m happy but I’m not as happy as I know I can be or as happy as I want to be.
I know we both have busy schedules and less time for one another, which is completely understandable and fine. When we’ve had free time we’ve done the best we can to make an effort to spend time together but neither one of us are getting much time for just ourselves. And over the last couple months I have started to lose focus on myself. My health, my goals, my friendships, etc. and I know he can relate. I also can’t say that I haven’t enjoyed what we have either, I enjoy every minute we spend together, you make me laugh and we seem to just connect but,
I’m in a place where I think I need one of two things. I either need to know that we are in a serious committed relationship and that we can both be open with our feelings. That we’re focused on each other, each others goals and growing together. No OKC or Tinder accounts (because honestly it bothers me now, that I know he still uses these), continuing to make efforts to see each other as often as we can, making sure we have a continued open communication with one another, expressing our feelings, etc
Or the second thing being that we go back to being in a completely casual relationship or even just strictly a friendship. I value his friendship and obviously don’t want to lose the friendship we have established. But this gives us both time to focus on ourselves, our work/education and personal individual goals. If we find ourselves wanting to hang out everyone once in a while than we do so wether it be to go out on a date or just catch up. From this we either find that we want to be with one another or we don’t and either way we continue to build a lasting friendship without hurting one another.
Today we came to the deciding factor that option two is the best option for us both right now. Here’s to figuring things out and growing as individuals. I know this is the best for me and probably him but at the same time I’m sure I’ll miss the relationship we had created.
Thanks for listening and Happy Friday Loves –