Not long ago I wrote a post Who am I, a never ending question and since then, I have spoken with many of my friends and family members and feel it’s time to talk with all of you my loves.
Because you my loves mean just as much to me as everyone else in my life, I thought I would post the letter I wrote to a few individuals in my family. This was/is the best way I see fit to explain my situation at this time with the ones I love.
I am happy to note that most of everyone in my life has embraced me with open arms, love and support and I can’t be more thankful about that. I too hope that you my loves can show me your love and support.
This isn’t an easy letter to write to you. This is a conversation I wish could be had in person but know at this time that’s not an option. The best thing for us both at this point is that you hear from me (through this letter) what is going on in my life. Although, I know you may not agree with what I have to share, I do hope to continue to have your never-ending love and support for who I am as an individual.
For the past 11-12 years I have been battling with who I am as an individual. I have struggled with finding who I am, who I want to be and who everyone else wants me to be. Since I was about 13 years old, I have struggled with my sexuality. I’ve always known I was/am attracted to women. That I didn’t want to be with boys but I wanted to be one of the boys. That I find women extremely attractive in all ways, that I want to be with a women and I want to find and have a relationship with a woman. I have always felt this way and for years have chosen to fight these feelings. Growing up I turned to boys (not the greatest of ones) because that’s what I thought was what I needed to do, what was expected of me. Because of where I grew up and how I was raised I thought this was my only option. I in turn fell into some horrible relationships, a really bad depression and often turned to drugs to cope with my unhappiness.
It wasn’t until I moved to California about 6 years ago that I started to explore my thoughts, and who I was as a person. Even though I was in a relationship with Gurjeet, I was lucky to be in a relationship with someone who knew and supported me and loved me no matter what. Gurjeet was always there for me and that made finding who I am, that much easier. When we broke up it was as much a relief as it was a heart-break. The heartbreak came from my commitment of being with him because it was the right thing to do. That it was what everyone else would want. The relief came because I wasn’t truly happy and it wasn’t what I wanted.
Even after breaking up with Gurjeet I still stuck with trying to force myself to date guys, because it again was something I thought was the right thing to do, the only option for me. It wasn’t until about 6 months ago that I met someone who completely changed that for me. Even though I continued to fight the feelings and continued to date Joshua for those 5 months, my feels just continued to grow for this person and in the end I finally ended it with Joshua to pursue a relationship with this person where I felt it was just meant to be. It was only fair to him and myself that I didn’t continue down the path we were on.
For the past month I have been dating this person I met 6 months ago and I couldn’t be happier. The feelings and connection I have with her is one I have never felt for anyone ever. I can’t even express how happy and relaxed I am as an individual since I have chosen to follow my heart. I can’t even begin to put into words the emotions and thoughts that I feel. It just all seems right.
With that, all I ask from you is for you to have an open mind, to continue to love and support me for who I am. I know that this information can come as a shock and can be heartbreaking but at the same time I know its best for me and who I am, to open up to the ones I love and to stop hiding who I really am.
With all my love.
P.S. I am hear to talk when ever you want to talk.
P.P.S The picture included with this letter is of Jackie (my girlfriend) and me, this was taken at a friend’s birthday party on December 13th, 2013.