101 in 1001, Life, Love

The time has come… to open the door.

Not long ago I wrote a post Who am I, a never ending question and since then, I have spoken with many of my friends and family members and feel it’s time to talk with all of you my loves.

Because you my loves mean just as much to me as everyone else in my life, I thought I would post the letter I wrote to a few individuals in my family. This was/is the best way I see fit to explain my situation at this time with the ones I love.

I am happy to note that most of everyone in my life has embraced me with open arms, love and support and I can’t be more thankful about that. I too hope that you my loves can show me your love and support.

What makes you happy

This isn’t an easy letter to write to you. This is a conversation I wish could be had in person but know at this time that’s not an option. The best thing for us both at this point is that you hear from me (through this letter) what is going on in my life. Although, I know you may not agree with what I have to share, I do hope to continue to have your never-ending love and support for who I am as an individual.

For the past 11-12 years I have been battling with who I am as an individual. I have struggled with finding who I am, who I want to be and who everyone else wants me to be. Since I was about 13 years old, I have struggled with my sexuality. I’ve always known I was/am attracted to women. That I didn’t want to be with boys but I wanted to be one of the boys. That I find women extremely attractive in all ways, that I want to be with a women and I want to find and have a relationship with a woman. I have always felt this way and for years have chosen to fight these feelings. Growing up I turned to boys (not the greatest of ones) because that’s what I thought was what I needed to do, what was expected of me. Because of where I grew up and how I was raised I thought this was my only option. I in turn fell into some horrible relationships, a really bad depression and often turned to drugs to cope with my unhappiness.

It wasn’t until I moved to California about 6 years ago that I started to explore my thoughts, and who I was as a person. Even though I was in a relationship with Gurjeet, I was lucky to be in a relationship with someone who knew and supported me and loved me no matter what. Gurjeet was always there for me and that made finding who I am, that much easier. When we broke up it was as much a relief as it was a heart-break. The heartbreak came from my commitment of being with him because it was the right thing to do. That it was what everyone else would want. The relief came because I wasn’t truly happy and it wasn’t what I wanted.

Even after breaking up with Gurjeet I still stuck with trying to force myself to date guys, because it again was something I thought was the right thing to do, the only option for me. It wasn’t until about 6 months ago that I met someone who completely changed that for me. Even though I continued to fight the feelings and continued to date Joshua for those 5 months, my feels just continued to grow for this person and in the end I finally ended it with Joshua to pursue a relationship with this person where I felt it was just meant to be.  It was only fair to him and myself that I didn’t continue down the path we were on.

For the past month I have been dating this person I met 6 months ago and I couldn’t be happier. The feelings and connection I have with her is one I have never felt for anyone ever. I can’t even express how happy and relaxed I am as an individual since I have chosen to follow my heart. I can’t even begin to put into words the emotions and thoughts that I feel. It just all seems right.

With that, all I ask from you is for you to have an open mind, to continue to love and support me for who I am. I know that this information can come as a shock and can be heartbreaking but at the same time I know its best for me and who I am, to open up to the ones I love and to stop hiding who I really am.

With all my love.

Christina Michelle

P.S. I am hear to talk when ever you want to talk.

P.P.S The picture included with this letter is of Jackie (my girlfriend) and me, this was taken at a friend’s birthday party on December 13th, 2013.

Jax and Me

Picture I included

xoxo- Christy

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Adventure Wednesday's, Life, Love

Happy Holidays

Merry

The holiday season is one of my favorites. I love the decorations, the time spent with those close to you, and the love and joy that is shared by all, to name just a few things.

This holiday season for me its a little bittersweet as all of my family is in different states this year.  The sweet part of the”bittersweetness” is this year I will get to spend the holidays with someone I do love and that makes me very happy.

Jax and Me

I hope everyone this holiday season gets to spend time with the ones they love. Family and friends are what make the world go round.

Wishing you all Happy Holidays and to all my family and friends;

A Very MERRY Christmas 

xoxo- Christy 

 

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101 in 1001, Life

101 in 1001 // Update

Christy’s 101 things in 1001 days Update: 

Anything in BOLD RED is something I have completed, Italicized Neon Green is what I am working on currently. I’m moving along quite well on this list and I plan on knocking out quite a few more of the “what I’m working on ones” as well as a few others like going snowboarding, etc. 

  1. Inspire someone else to do the 101 list  Yelena over at the blog “The Twenty-Something” check out her list 
  2. Create a savings account – (created savings account on Jan 2nd)
  3. Apply for a passport  filled out the paper work – just need to schedule and appointment and file 
  4. Pay off all my CC debt putting money away from tips daily to put towards CC debt – March 1st 2014 is goal!
  5. Travel outside the country
  6. Graduate from SFSU  – (should graduate Spring 2014)
  7. Get a big girl job
  8. Take the LSAT  – Got a 141 on the October 5th 2013 test 
  9. Apply to Law school
  10. Read 25 books for pleasure 6/25 – see my list of books below.
  11. Unplug for a weekend (phone and internet) – Must be a weekend I don’t work
  12. Go camping
  13. Go Skinny dipping
  14. Visit a big city in the U.S. – Jax and I are planning a trip to New York in March 2013 
  15. Throw a big party
  16. Buy the person behind me coffee or a meal
  17. Send a care package to someone in the military
  18. Send a care package to a friend
  19. Write personal letters to at least 5 people 0/5
  20. Get a minimum of 50 people to follow my blog between the blogs Facebook page and the blog directly  44/50
  21. Go a month without take out
  22. Have a no spend month (groceries, bills, emergencies only)
  23. Ride 1000 miles 46.45/1000 – see my logged miles below – check out this post about one of my rides!
  24. Go on a date 
  25. Fall in love again
  26. Dance in the rain
  27. Sing Karaoke in a bar
  28. Travel alone somewhere at least over night  went to Disney Land – 
  29. Volunteer at a soup kitchen or homeless shelter
  30. Watch the sunrise and sunset in the same day
  31. Go Wine tasting in Napa
  32. Jump off a cliff
  33. Train for and Run a 5k (I am not a fan of running so this will be a challenge for me)
  34. Have dinner by candle light
  35. Give a 100% tip
  36. Complete a 30 day photo challenge
  37. Create and Inspiration/dream wall in my kitchen
  38. Fill my frames with pictures of people I love  I have filled 3, I need to buy some more  frames 
  39. Invest in blog business cards
  40. Have someone redesign my blog – I redesigned it myself
  41. Be sponsored on my blog
  42. Organize and download all my photos from Facebook
  43. Attend a blogging conference
  44. Take a cooking or baking class
  45. Make 10 recipes from pinterest 2/10 – Pasta tacos, pesto chicken and tomato noodles, 
  46. Do 5 DIY projects from pinterest
  47. Put all of my recipes together in a cookbook
  48. Do 10 things from Sosh.com 1/10 – Dinner at Grub 10/17/13,
  49. Get straight A’s one semester
  50. Buy new pots and pans *make the investment – my stepdad bought me some a set in August 13′
  51. Sponsor a child in a third world country
  52. Sponsor a Make a Wish Child
  53. Get a Tattoo – Tattoo on my wrist in honor of two of my Grandpas
  54. Play Wii sports games for 30 days straight
  55. Buy and learn Photoshop  its been downloaded – now to learn it
  56. Do Yoga for 30 days straight
  57. Go to a concert  Swedish House Mafia 2/14/13, Tim McGraw 6/9/13, Jason Aldean 10/12/13, 
  58. Identify 101 things that make me smile 17/101 – see my list below
  59. Record myself singing and share on Facebook and YouTube
  60. Write a letter to myself to open when I am 30
  61. Watch or re-watch all movies that got best picture in the past 10 years as of 2013 0/10
  62. Put $10 into savings for everything completed on this list $30/$1010 
  63. Do the A-Z picture challenge
  64. Keep a line a day  for 3 months  ended up being more than a line a day see this Monday inspiration post  
  65. Call my Mom/Dad/Stepmom/sister once a month for a year I talk to one of them at least 2-3 times a month
  66. Write a blog post for every completed item on the list  2/101 see all posts about completed tasks by clicking on the task
  67. Have acupuncture done
  68. Go snowboarding – I love snowboarding but don’t get to go ever now that I live in California
  69. Go one month without buying coffee from Starbucks
  70. Attend a festival – Carnival with Eva, SF Pride with J, 
  71. Give 20 just because gifts 0/20
  72. Have photos taken with family
  73. Have boudoir photos taken
  74. Go to Disney World – does Disney Land count?
  75. Grow a plant from a seed
  76. Donate to a cause or charity
  77. Send a post card to postsecrets.com
  78. Send 20 postcards through post crossings 0/20
  79. Answer the 50 questions to free my mind
  80. Ride my bicycle across the golden gate bridge 
  81. Do a full ride in Marin county
  82. Stay in a Bed and Breakfast
  83. Go to the zoo
  84. Finish all desperate housewives episodes 57/180
  85. Hide a note in a book in my school library
  86. Go to the ballet
  87. Make myself a build a bear
  88. Put a scrapbook together of Rae and I to give to her at her graduation
  89. Send flowers to a friend just because
  90. Have a movie theater marathon: 2 movies 1 day – Saw “We’re the Millers” and “Elysium” 
  91. Learn how to golf or at least go golfing once
  92. Order new checks – they are very girly and even have my SF address on them
  93. Come out to all my family and friends 
  94. Have a guest blogger – Yelena has been a guest blogger twice for Law School 101
  95. Be a guest blogger
  96. Keep flowers in my apartment for a month straight or longer now working on keeping them continually 
  97. Go to a big San Francisco Event  SF Pride Week 
  98. Try a new restaurant once a week for a month
  99. Write at least 24 vent letters and burn them 0/25
  100. Leave an operation beauty note somewhere 0/10
  101. Brush and Floss my teeth twice a day every day for a month straight  the goal is to keep up the routine – not sure why I have this on here I think it’s a cheater because I do this everyday unless I unexpectedly stay over at a friend’s house! 

#10 Read 25 books for Pleasure

 Fifty Shades of Grey
Fifty Shades Darker
Fifty Shades Freed
Contagious
Lone Survivor 
Re-Read: Catching Fire

Tracking of  #23 Ride 1000 Miles on my Bicycle

January 3rd 2013 – 26.45 miles – First trip across the bridge (also completed #8 read my post about it here)

February 3rd 2013 – 8 Miles – First Mnt. Bike Ride

6 miles – Through the City Bridge to Bridge

3 miles – Bike ride to Golden Gate Park with Joshua

3 miles – Bike ride to Baker Beach with Joshua

#58 Identify 101 things that make me smile

My cat (Sweetpea)
Having a place of my own
Living in San Francisco
My little Sister Rachael
Flowers
Candles
Family
Friends
Bathes
Music
Hiking
Sunshine
Mist from the Fog
Looking at the Golden Gate Bridge
The Beach
Reading
Crappy Television

 

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101 in 1001, Life

The End is So Near!

As I sit in the pub on campus writing this blog post my excitement for the end of my semester can not be contained.

This has been a semester for the records. I have battled through, I have skipped too many classes, pulled too many all nighters and still managed to some how pass all my classes. My “senioritis” kicked in way too soon (I still have one semester left).

senioritis

But winter break is upon me and I can’t wait to just relax and enjoy the next month or so. Other than work my only plans are to chill, and maybe mark a few things off of my 101 things in 1001 days list. You can check that out here.

I’ll make sure to stop by the blog a few times over winter break and keep you all updated on my life.

Hope all my loves are having a wonderful holiday season and if in school have an amazing break.

xoxo – Christy

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Life, Love

Who am I… a never ending question

blog 12:3

Every person goes through those times in life where they just realize the realities of their lives. They realize that ____ is what they want to do, _____ is who they want to be with for the rest of their lives, and _______ is what they will aspire to be.

It wasn’t until recently I had one of those realizations. Although, it may not be as specific as I want to be with this person, I want to do this or I want to aspire to be this realization, it WAS a realization of who I really am.

Although, I feel like I still can’t fully express who I am, I can express my current feelings, struggles and look for advice in the most conspicuous way I can.

By what I have to say some of you may be able to jump to a correct assumption, but others I am sure will choose to convince themselves of something different. They will do what I have been doing for the past 12 years.

I remember the first time I realized I was different from everyone else, it changed my life forever and I have just now come to realize how it changed my life.

I put myself into a self-induced depression. I took everything else going on in my life and used it as the blames for why I was so depressed, unhappy and down right a bitch of an adolescent (sorry mom(s)). Although, some of the things happening in life we’re a source of my depression the underlying factor was so much more than I wished to confront.

//

I blamed my parents for getting a divorce.
I blamed my dad for being in the military and being shipped off to Iraq.
I blamed my moms for not giving me the attention I wanted.
I blamed my sister, for being the perfect one.
I blamed God.
I struggled with my faith.
I surrounded myself with boys.
I chose to live a life evolving more drugs and sex than one needs to admit too.
I choose to stay in relationships that were unhealthy.
I choose to stay in relationships because everyone thought we were “perfect together.”
I chose to tell myself I was a horrible person.
I chose to tell myself that I would never be good enough.
I chose to hide who I really am.
I chose to work harder at everything else in life to make up for “it.”
I chose to distance myself from my family and friends.
I chose a life with no friends, (at one point).
I chose to ignore all the thoughts in my head.
I chose to be miserable.

//

After years and years of being miserable and choosing the lifestyle I had chosen I finally came to a realization.

I started to explore my feelings.
I slowly started to express my feelings to the friends I had, to the people I met.
I chose to not let the judgement of other bother me.
I chose to surround myself with like individuals.

But all the while I still chose to hide it.

Up until about two weeks ago, I finally started to explore this part of who I am. I randomly one day opened up to two of the most important people in my life my mom and my step mom, only to find my stepmom knew all along and that her love for me would never change and that my mom totally understood and would love me know matter what.

So it’s at this point that I can only hope, that over the next few weeks/months that I open up. That I let people in, that they will to react as my moms did and be here for me like they have always been.

I know that in reality not everyone will be as supportive or understanding. I know that I may lose people, relationships, and even respect. But I know if I continue to lie to myself and those who are in my life and those who continue to enter my life, then I will for always and ever be hurting myself and will never truly be happy.

Like my mom said. “I’m happy, but am I really happy? You, Sweetie need to be happy and whatever that is that makes you happy is what makes you, you!

blog 12:1-1

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