Life, Love

Who am I… a never ending question

blog 12:3

Every person goes through those times in life where they just realize the realities of their lives. They realize that ____ is what they want to do, _____ is who they want to be with for the rest of their lives, and _______ is what they will aspire to be.

It wasn’t until recently I had one of those realizations. Although, it may not be as specific as I want to be with this person, I want to do this or I want to aspire to be this realization, it WAS a realization of who I really am.

Although, I feel like I still can’t fully express who I am, I can express my current feelings, struggles and look for advice in the most conspicuous way I can.

By what I have to say some of you may be able to jump to a correct assumption, but others I am sure will choose to convince themselves of something different. They will do what I have been doing for the past 12 years.

I remember the first time I realized I was different from everyone else, it changed my life forever and I have just now come to realize how it changed my life.

I put myself into a self-induced depression. I took everything else going on in my life and used it as the blames for why I was so depressed, unhappy and down right a bitch of an adolescent (sorry mom(s)). Although, some of the things happening in life we’re a source of my depression the underlying factor was so much more than I wished to confront.

//

I blamed my parents for getting a divorce.
I blamed my dad for being in the military and being shipped off to Iraq.
I blamed my moms for not giving me the attention I wanted.
I blamed my sister, for being the perfect one.
I blamed God.
I struggled with my faith.
I surrounded myself with boys.
I chose to live a life evolving more drugs and sex than one needs to admit too.
I choose to stay in relationships that were unhealthy.
I choose to stay in relationships because everyone thought we were “perfect together.”
I chose to tell myself I was a horrible person.
I chose to tell myself that I would never be good enough.
I chose to hide who I really am.
I chose to work harder at everything else in life to make up for “it.”
I chose to distance myself from my family and friends.
I chose a life with no friends, (at one point).
I chose to ignore all the thoughts in my head.
I chose to be miserable.

//

After years and years of being miserable and choosing the lifestyle I had chosen I finally came to a realization.

I started to explore my feelings.
I slowly started to express my feelings to the friends I had, to the people I met.
I chose to not let the judgement of other bother me.
I chose to surround myself with like individuals.

But all the while I still chose to hide it.

Up until about two weeks ago, I finally started to explore this part of who I am. I randomly one day opened up to two of the most important people in my life my mom and my step mom, only to find my stepmom knew all along and that her love for me would never change and that my mom totally understood and would love me know matter what.

So it’s at this point that I can only hope, that over the next few weeks/months that I open up. That I let people in, that they will to react as my moms did and be here for me like they have always been.

I know that in reality not everyone will be as supportive or understanding. I know that I may lose people, relationships, and even respect. But I know if I continue to lie to myself and those who are in my life and those who continue to enter my life, then I will for always and ever be hurting myself and will never truly be happy.

Like my mom said. “I’m happy, but am I really happy? You, Sweetie need to be happy and whatever that is that makes you happy is what makes you, you!

blog 12:1-1

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4 thoughts on “Who am I… a never ending question

    • I know you will always be there for me. As I will always be there for you! I miss you so much. I so wish I would have known sooner about everyone going to Texas for xmas, I so would have been on a plane in a second.

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      • Aw that would have been fun! I only have Christmas day off, so I’ll probably only get a few hours with the family (they will be 2 hours away from where I live). I miss you tons, and hopefully when neither of us are strapped for time and money we can arrange a trip! I plan to make 2014 much much better and filled with more traveling. You’re on the top of my list for people to visit 🙂

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  1. Pingback: The time has come… to open the door. | Living My Life as I Know It!

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