Life

Rewind…Fast Forward… Now What…

REWIND:

About 7 years ago I graduated from high school with the plan to never attend college. At 18 I was over education and thought I was invisible.  6 months later I was bored with my everyday life and had a random desire to head back to school. So with that I enrolled myself in community college and started taking the basic math and english courses.  Add another year and I was transferring to a community college in California and narrowing down my ideas for a major. Add 6 months and I had decided on a Business degree. Another year later I was changing my degree focus to Marketing and 6 months later changing it to Communication.  Insert one year and its 2011 and I’ve finished the course work for 3 Associates Degrees and am being told its time I transferred to a State or University school to achieve my bachelors degree. Fall 2012 arrives and I’m sitting in a classroom at San Francisco State University pursuing my communication degree.

FAST FORWARD:

It’s May 8th 2014, I have exactly three more days of school left to attend, and one final exam to take before I graduate from San Francisco State University. With a degree in the Study of Communication. I am stressed and anxious. My senioritis has hit in full force. My attention is lost. My drive for education seems to have dissipated. I just want it to be over. The end is so near but it seems so far away.

Well NOW what:

It’s the same question day in and day out. Everyone I talk to wants to know what my plans are for after graduation. Well at this point my plans are to celebrate. That’s right. I’m going to rejoice in the fact that after 7 years I have completed and achieved 3 Associates and 1 Bachelors degrees. I have worked my ass off in doing so.  I have struggled through 40+ hour work weeks, alongside 16 hours of school in those weeks, and endless amounts of homework.  I have sacrificed relationships, jobs, friendship, experiences, and my life for my education. I have racked a serious amount of student debt, I have lost focus on my health and body image.  But most of all:

I have GAINED! I have GROWN! I have LEARNED!

I’ve had different experiences, relationships, jobs, friendships and a different life. With all that I have sacrificed, I have gained. I have grown. I have learned. And it is with that, that I can now celebrate. I can celebrate the last 7 years. I can celebrate the struggles, the joy, the fear, the pain, the love, the old, the new, the experiences, the knowledge, the growth, the understanding.

I can celebrate ME!

I wouldn’t be the women, person, figure, image, imagination, child, sister, daughter, friend, enemy, lover, hater, that I am today.  I would be that same high school graduate that I was. That girl I look back at and shake my head at.  That girl who had crazy dreams. That girl who was lost in her own world. That girl that I didn’t want to be for the rest of my life.

SO YA: 

To answer everyone and anyone. I am going to celebrate my accomplishments. I am going to celebrate who I am, what I have learned, my experiences, the person I have become.

I am going to celebrate CHRISTINA!

 

 

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101 in 1001, Life, Love

Pain. Fear. Love.

The past few months life just hasn’t been the same. I’ve found who I really am, I’ve fallen in love with someone I never thought I could love. Ive become vulnerable to pain again. I’ve put my self in a place where I can be hurt again, where my world could instantly fall to pieces but I’m the happiest I think I have ever been.

Loving someone is hard, letting someone into my life to love me is even harder. I fear rejection, I fear pain and by letting someone into my life, into a level of such an emotional state I let down the walls that barricade the possibilities for rejection and pain.

I know things are different, they have to be. My feelings make that apparent. She has become my everything!

I thought she would just be another one of my phases. A phase of trying to find my sexuality, trying to find who I can be, who I want to be. To me, being with a girl has always been so taboo. I’ve enjoyed every moment I’ve ever had with women but always thought I’d have to be with a man, I’d have to do right by my family. Until I met her.

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The minute she introduced herself to my I was hooked. That smile of hers melted my heart. Her demeanor, her strength, her wit all drew me in. I found myself always longing to hang out with her. Every chance I had to flirt with her, just talk to her, or just plain be around her, I would jump at the opportunity.

Becoming her friend was all I could do, all I knew I should do, the only thing I was going to allow myself to do. Becoming her friend was perfect, she was the friend I needed, someone I connected with so well.

I got to know her for who she was. I wasn’t like the other girls. She didn’t put up a front, she told me everything, she let me into her life, who she was, what she loved and hated about herself, what she wanted in life. And with everything I learned about her my heart started to swell. The typical me after hearing about her past, who she was, what she hated about herself would have ran for the hills. I typically would have stayed far far away from this girl. This girl who would break me, would hurt me, would cause me so much pain. But, I just couldn’t seem to shake her.

I still can’t shake her! I won’t shake her. I want her around. I want her around forever. Forever… such a huge infinite word, but seriously I don’t want “this” to change. This girl has changed my world, this girl has become my world.

Thinking about how much I love her is painful. It brings tears to my eyes. But it’s a pain you only feel when you’re in love and the tears are tears of joy.

Her warm embrace, her sweet kisses, her laugh, her smell, her beauty, her strength, her passions, her, her, her… I’m in love with her, everything about her.

I don’t know what our future holds for us. What I do know is that our present is near perfect. I hope that our future continues down this perfect path. I hope my love for her only grows never fades. I hope that she loves me the way I love her, and that her love never fades. I hope she’ll continue to be mine for forever. Yes I said it “forever!”

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Life, Monday Inspiration

It’s been 2 Years!!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY BLOG

 

Happy Birthday LMLAIKI! These past two years have been wonderful. We have been off and on and off again but this year is looking up for us. I’m ready to dive into our second year of life at full force. So loves, stay tuned because things should only get better. Oh and the lack of posting should soon be fixed.

Have a cupcake or two for us!

xoxo – 

Christy 

 

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Life, Love, Monday Inspiration

Back to the Blogsphere

Hello Lovelies and Happy Monday –

I’d like to make an announcement… I’m back… to the blog sphere! Okay, Okay, ya I was never really gone. I just took a little bit of a break. It was a much-needed break and I feel very much so refreshed and ready to be back in contact with all of you.

While I was on hiatus from the blog, I happened to also be on break from school. While on break I spent a lot of time working and lots of time with the new love* in my life!

Here are a few photos to give you a bit of a catch up on my life these past two months:

I hit the slopes.. It was all ice but still fun

I hit the slopes.. It was all ice but still fun

Making memories w/new friends

Making memories w/new friends

New hair cut

New hair cut

Puppy love - Lets introduce Louie

Puppy love – Lets introduce Louie

New Years with the Ladies

New Years with the Ladies

New Years Drinks

New Years Drinks

PJ Dance party

PJ Dance party

Cirque Du Soleil - Xmas gift to my love

Cirque Du Soleil – Xmas gift to my love

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Went sliding down cement slides

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Family photo

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Pool with the boo!

Best sign I saw this break - entrance to a bar

Best sign I saw this break – entrance to a bar

Celebration of finishing my semester

Celebration of finishing my semester

As you can see I stayed pretty busy and had a pretty darn good time.

//

Stay tuned as I will be back to blogging on a regular basis. Next up in the que is about Graduation struggles!

xoxo my loves 

Christy

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Life, Uncategorized

Happy New Years

New Years

 

Happy New Years my loves!

This year was a whirl wind of a year. It had its good and bad moments but whats a life with out the roller coaster.  I can’t wait to see what this year has in store for me, so far it looks very promising.

Cheers to the New Year. I hope you all have an awesome year and are able to appreciate every moment that comes your way.

xoxo – Christy

 

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101 in 1001, Life, Love

The time has come… to open the door.

Not long ago I wrote a post Who am I, a never ending question and since then, I have spoken with many of my friends and family members and feel it’s time to talk with all of you my loves.

Because you my loves mean just as much to me as everyone else in my life, I thought I would post the letter I wrote to a few individuals in my family. This was/is the best way I see fit to explain my situation at this time with the ones I love.

I am happy to note that most of everyone in my life has embraced me with open arms, love and support and I can’t be more thankful about that. I too hope that you my loves can show me your love and support.

What makes you happy

This isn’t an easy letter to write to you. This is a conversation I wish could be had in person but know at this time that’s not an option. The best thing for us both at this point is that you hear from me (through this letter) what is going on in my life. Although, I know you may not agree with what I have to share, I do hope to continue to have your never-ending love and support for who I am as an individual.

For the past 11-12 years I have been battling with who I am as an individual. I have struggled with finding who I am, who I want to be and who everyone else wants me to be. Since I was about 13 years old, I have struggled with my sexuality. I’ve always known I was/am attracted to women. That I didn’t want to be with boys but I wanted to be one of the boys. That I find women extremely attractive in all ways, that I want to be with a women and I want to find and have a relationship with a woman. I have always felt this way and for years have chosen to fight these feelings. Growing up I turned to boys (not the greatest of ones) because that’s what I thought was what I needed to do, what was expected of me. Because of where I grew up and how I was raised I thought this was my only option. I in turn fell into some horrible relationships, a really bad depression and often turned to drugs to cope with my unhappiness.

It wasn’t until I moved to California about 6 years ago that I started to explore my thoughts, and who I was as a person. Even though I was in a relationship with Gurjeet, I was lucky to be in a relationship with someone who knew and supported me and loved me no matter what. Gurjeet was always there for me and that made finding who I am, that much easier. When we broke up it was as much a relief as it was a heart-break. The heartbreak came from my commitment of being with him because it was the right thing to do. That it was what everyone else would want. The relief came because I wasn’t truly happy and it wasn’t what I wanted.

Even after breaking up with Gurjeet I still stuck with trying to force myself to date guys, because it again was something I thought was the right thing to do, the only option for me. It wasn’t until about 6 months ago that I met someone who completely changed that for me. Even though I continued to fight the feelings and continued to date Joshua for those 5 months, my feels just continued to grow for this person and in the end I finally ended it with Joshua to pursue a relationship with this person where I felt it was just meant to be.  It was only fair to him and myself that I didn’t continue down the path we were on.

For the past month I have been dating this person I met 6 months ago and I couldn’t be happier. The feelings and connection I have with her is one I have never felt for anyone ever. I can’t even express how happy and relaxed I am as an individual since I have chosen to follow my heart. I can’t even begin to put into words the emotions and thoughts that I feel. It just all seems right.

With that, all I ask from you is for you to have an open mind, to continue to love and support me for who I am. I know that this information can come as a shock and can be heartbreaking but at the same time I know its best for me and who I am, to open up to the ones I love and to stop hiding who I really am.

With all my love.

Christina Michelle

P.S. I am hear to talk when ever you want to talk.

P.P.S The picture included with this letter is of Jackie (my girlfriend) and me, this was taken at a friend’s birthday party on December 13th, 2013.

Jax and Me

Picture I included

xoxo- Christy

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