101 in 1001, Life, Love

Pain. Fear. Love.

The past few months life just hasn’t been the same. I’ve found who I really am, I’ve fallen in love with someone I never thought I could love. Ive become vulnerable to pain again. I’ve put my self in a place where I can be hurt again, where my world could instantly fall to pieces but I’m the happiest I think I have ever been.

Loving someone is hard, letting someone into my life to love me is even harder. I fear rejection, I fear pain and by letting someone into my life, into a level of such an emotional state I let down the walls that barricade the possibilities for rejection and pain.

I know things are different, they have to be. My feelings make that apparent. She has become my everything!

I thought she would just be another one of my phases. A phase of trying to find my sexuality, trying to find who I can be, who I want to be. To me, being with a girl has always been so taboo. I’ve enjoyed every moment I’ve ever had with women but always thought I’d have to be with a man, I’d have to do right by my family. Until I met her.

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The minute she introduced herself to my I was hooked. That smile of hers melted my heart. Her demeanor, her strength, her wit all drew me in. I found myself always longing to hang out with her. Every chance I had to flirt with her, just talk to her, or just plain be around her, I would jump at the opportunity.

Becoming her friend was all I could do, all I knew I should do, the only thing I was going to allow myself to do. Becoming her friend was perfect, she was the friend I needed, someone I connected with so well.

I got to know her for who she was. I wasn’t like the other girls. She didn’t put up a front, she told me everything, she let me into her life, who she was, what she loved and hated about herself, what she wanted in life. And with everything I learned about her my heart started to swell. The typical me after hearing about her past, who she was, what she hated about herself would have ran for the hills. I typically would have stayed far far away from this girl. This girl who would break me, would hurt me, would cause me so much pain. But, I just couldn’t seem to shake her.

I still can’t shake her! I won’t shake her. I want her around. I want her around forever. Forever… such a huge infinite word, but seriously I don’t want “this” to change. This girl has changed my world, this girl has become my world.

Thinking about how much I love her is painful. It brings tears to my eyes. But it’s a pain you only feel when you’re in love and the tears are tears of joy.

Her warm embrace, her sweet kisses, her laugh, her smell, her beauty, her strength, her passions, her, her, her… I’m in love with her, everything about her.

I don’t know what our future holds for us. What I do know is that our present is near perfect. I hope that our future continues down this perfect path. I hope my love for her only grows never fades. I hope that she loves me the way I love her, and that her love never fades. I hope she’ll continue to be mine for forever. Yes I said it “forever!”

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Life, Love, Monday Inspiration

Back to the Blogsphere

Hello Lovelies and Happy Monday –

I’d like to make an announcement… I’m back… to the blog sphere! Okay, Okay, ya I was never really gone. I just took a little bit of a break. It was a much-needed break and I feel very much so refreshed and ready to be back in contact with all of you.

While I was on hiatus from the blog, I happened to also be on break from school. While on break I spent a lot of time working and lots of time with the new love* in my life!

Here are a few photos to give you a bit of a catch up on my life these past two months:

I hit the slopes.. It was all ice but still fun

I hit the slopes.. It was all ice but still fun

Making memories w/new friends

Making memories w/new friends

New hair cut

New hair cut

Puppy love - Lets introduce Louie

Puppy love – Lets introduce Louie

New Years with the Ladies

New Years with the Ladies

New Years Drinks

New Years Drinks

PJ Dance party

PJ Dance party

Cirque Du Soleil - Xmas gift to my love

Cirque Du Soleil – Xmas gift to my love

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Went sliding down cement slides

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Family photo

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Pool with the boo!

Best sign I saw this break - entrance to a bar

Best sign I saw this break – entrance to a bar

Celebration of finishing my semester

Celebration of finishing my semester

As you can see I stayed pretty busy and had a pretty darn good time.

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Stay tuned as I will be back to blogging on a regular basis. Next up in the que is about Graduation struggles!

xoxo my loves 

Christy

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101 in 1001, Life, Love

The time has come… to open the door.

Not long ago I wrote a post Who am I, a never ending question and since then, I have spoken with many of my friends and family members and feel it’s time to talk with all of you my loves.

Because you my loves mean just as much to me as everyone else in my life, I thought I would post the letter I wrote to a few individuals in my family. This was/is the best way I see fit to explain my situation at this time with the ones I love.

I am happy to note that most of everyone in my life has embraced me with open arms, love and support and I can’t be more thankful about that. I too hope that you my loves can show me your love and support.

What makes you happy

This isn’t an easy letter to write to you. This is a conversation I wish could be had in person but know at this time that’s not an option. The best thing for us both at this point is that you hear from me (through this letter) what is going on in my life. Although, I know you may not agree with what I have to share, I do hope to continue to have your never-ending love and support for who I am as an individual.

For the past 11-12 years I have been battling with who I am as an individual. I have struggled with finding who I am, who I want to be and who everyone else wants me to be. Since I was about 13 years old, I have struggled with my sexuality. I’ve always known I was/am attracted to women. That I didn’t want to be with boys but I wanted to be one of the boys. That I find women extremely attractive in all ways, that I want to be with a women and I want to find and have a relationship with a woman. I have always felt this way and for years have chosen to fight these feelings. Growing up I turned to boys (not the greatest of ones) because that’s what I thought was what I needed to do, what was expected of me. Because of where I grew up and how I was raised I thought this was my only option. I in turn fell into some horrible relationships, a really bad depression and often turned to drugs to cope with my unhappiness.

It wasn’t until I moved to California about 6 years ago that I started to explore my thoughts, and who I was as a person. Even though I was in a relationship with Gurjeet, I was lucky to be in a relationship with someone who knew and supported me and loved me no matter what. Gurjeet was always there for me and that made finding who I am, that much easier. When we broke up it was as much a relief as it was a heart-break. The heartbreak came from my commitment of being with him because it was the right thing to do. That it was what everyone else would want. The relief came because I wasn’t truly happy and it wasn’t what I wanted.

Even after breaking up with Gurjeet I still stuck with trying to force myself to date guys, because it again was something I thought was the right thing to do, the only option for me. It wasn’t until about 6 months ago that I met someone who completely changed that for me. Even though I continued to fight the feelings and continued to date Joshua for those 5 months, my feels just continued to grow for this person and in the end I finally ended it with Joshua to pursue a relationship with this person where I felt it was just meant to be.  It was only fair to him and myself that I didn’t continue down the path we were on.

For the past month I have been dating this person I met 6 months ago and I couldn’t be happier. The feelings and connection I have with her is one I have never felt for anyone ever. I can’t even express how happy and relaxed I am as an individual since I have chosen to follow my heart. I can’t even begin to put into words the emotions and thoughts that I feel. It just all seems right.

With that, all I ask from you is for you to have an open mind, to continue to love and support me for who I am. I know that this information can come as a shock and can be heartbreaking but at the same time I know its best for me and who I am, to open up to the ones I love and to stop hiding who I really am.

With all my love.

Christina Michelle

P.S. I am hear to talk when ever you want to talk.

P.P.S The picture included with this letter is of Jackie (my girlfriend) and me, this was taken at a friend’s birthday party on December 13th, 2013.

Jax and Me

Picture I included

xoxo- Christy

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Adventure Wednesday's, Life, Love

Happy Holidays

Merry

The holiday season is one of my favorites. I love the decorations, the time spent with those close to you, and the love and joy that is shared by all, to name just a few things.

This holiday season for me its a little bittersweet as all of my family is in different states this year.  The sweet part of the”bittersweetness” is this year I will get to spend the holidays with someone I do love and that makes me very happy.

Jax and Me

I hope everyone this holiday season gets to spend time with the ones they love. Family and friends are what make the world go round.

Wishing you all Happy Holidays and to all my family and friends;

A Very MERRY Christmas 

xoxo- Christy 

 

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Life, Love

Who am I… a never ending question

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Every person goes through those times in life where they just realize the realities of their lives. They realize that ____ is what they want to do, _____ is who they want to be with for the rest of their lives, and _______ is what they will aspire to be.

It wasn’t until recently I had one of those realizations. Although, it may not be as specific as I want to be with this person, I want to do this or I want to aspire to be this realization, it WAS a realization of who I really am.

Although, I feel like I still can’t fully express who I am, I can express my current feelings, struggles and look for advice in the most conspicuous way I can.

By what I have to say some of you may be able to jump to a correct assumption, but others I am sure will choose to convince themselves of something different. They will do what I have been doing for the past 12 years.

I remember the first time I realized I was different from everyone else, it changed my life forever and I have just now come to realize how it changed my life.

I put myself into a self-induced depression. I took everything else going on in my life and used it as the blames for why I was so depressed, unhappy and down right a bitch of an adolescent (sorry mom(s)). Although, some of the things happening in life we’re a source of my depression the underlying factor was so much more than I wished to confront.

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I blamed my parents for getting a divorce.
I blamed my dad for being in the military and being shipped off to Iraq.
I blamed my moms for not giving me the attention I wanted.
I blamed my sister, for being the perfect one.
I blamed God.
I struggled with my faith.
I surrounded myself with boys.
I chose to live a life evolving more drugs and sex than one needs to admit too.
I choose to stay in relationships that were unhealthy.
I choose to stay in relationships because everyone thought we were “perfect together.”
I chose to tell myself I was a horrible person.
I chose to tell myself that I would never be good enough.
I chose to hide who I really am.
I chose to work harder at everything else in life to make up for “it.”
I chose to distance myself from my family and friends.
I chose a life with no friends, (at one point).
I chose to ignore all the thoughts in my head.
I chose to be miserable.

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After years and years of being miserable and choosing the lifestyle I had chosen I finally came to a realization.

I started to explore my feelings.
I slowly started to express my feelings to the friends I had, to the people I met.
I chose to not let the judgement of other bother me.
I chose to surround myself with like individuals.

But all the while I still chose to hide it.

Up until about two weeks ago, I finally started to explore this part of who I am. I randomly one day opened up to two of the most important people in my life my mom and my step mom, only to find my stepmom knew all along and that her love for me would never change and that my mom totally understood and would love me know matter what.

So it’s at this point that I can only hope, that over the next few weeks/months that I open up. That I let people in, that they will to react as my moms did and be here for me like they have always been.

I know that in reality not everyone will be as supportive or understanding. I know that I may lose people, relationships, and even respect. But I know if I continue to lie to myself and those who are in my life and those who continue to enter my life, then I will for always and ever be hurting myself and will never truly be happy.

Like my mom said. “I’m happy, but am I really happy? You, Sweetie need to be happy and whatever that is that makes you happy is what makes you, you!

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Life, Love

Letter to My Great Grandpa

Great Grandpa

Dear Great Grandpa,

Today we honor the man you were…

Actually today I honor the man you ARE. Yes, you may be in another place but to me you are still very much here and apart of my every day life. Not a day goes by that I don’t look at the framed picture, of you and grandma, that sits on my bookshelf. I blow you a kiss and wish you a splendid day. If only I could hug you and make your ear buzz!

Remember those days, when I was little, wait who am I kidding. If I saw you tomorrow I would still do it. I would run up to you hug you and put my ear to your ear until your hearing aid buzzed. I hear that buzz in my dreams everyone once in a while and I wake up knowing that’s your way of telling me you’re still here.

You are the man who paved the path for our family. The man who served in many wars and still found a way to come home. The man who raised a family that loves and adores each and every person in our lives. The man who taught me how to garden, to love someone with all my heart, to appreciate the little things.

Not a day goes by that I don’t think about the millions of moments we spent together, and the millions of moments I missed with you.

I have so many fond memories with you, there are those of picking blueberries in the garden with you for Grandma’s blueberry pie or Papa’s blueberry jam, walking hand in hand with you over to the neighbors to feed and pet the horses, now I know where my love of horses came from, and even just sitting in the trailer drinking tea and eating cookies. To this day I still sit and have a glass of ice team and a cookie or two just like we used too.

Those sure were the days, when I was young and all I wanted to do was spend time with you. Then I started to grow up, I ventured out into the world of friends, boyfriends, working, getting in trouble, expending my life. etc. Our time together slowly dwindled down to once or twice a year.

Of course then I moved and our relationship was down to a phone call every 6 months or so, SHIT not even that, pardon my Tamm language. Ya I got that from you too.

Then out of know where I realized I hadn’t seen you in 5 whole years, and I couldn’t wait to come home to see you. I received the phone call that changed everything. That phone call from dad, on 9/11/13 “ Sweetie, I wish I didn’t have to tell you this over the phone but Grandpa Tamm passed away today.”

I was and still am literally crushed inside. One of the most important men in my life, that I have looked up too since the day I was born has passed and I never had the opportunity to say my good-byes. I know you knew I loved you and missed you but there’s days where I don’t think you knowing was enough, I should have called more. I should have come home and visited more. I should have known you weren’t well, I should have come home and seen you.

Ya, ya I know you’re probably shaking your finger at me right now. Telling me to not worry about it. That you knowing I was pursuing my dreams was enough for you. You always made sure we all knew family was/is important, but that what we wanted to do and where we wanted to be in life was just as important.

I wish you were here, I wish you were here to celebrate the holidays one last time with the family. It’s so amazing to have Grandma around for Thanksgiving. It’s the first time I have ever sat at the dinner table with her for Thanksgiving.

She seems to be doing well by the way. She miss you like crazy and you can hear it in her voice when she talks about you. We all miss you like crazy.

I know it will pass and the newness of your non-existence will pass. But forever and always I promise to remember you and always seek your acceptance. I know you will find your own way to tell me that everything I am doing is okay and that I am still the little girl you used to carry over to see the horses.

I will forever keep you in my memories and forever keep you in my life. Yesterday I went and got my first tattoo and its in honor of you.

Tattoo

Rest in peace Richard Eugene Tamm you will forever be the man in my dreams, the man I look up too every day. I will forever love you!

# generations

3 Generations! Great Grandpa (Center) Papa (Left) Dad (Right)

 

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Life, Love

No one said it was easy

*disclaimer this post my include a bit of emotion and ranting. This is a full-fledged feelings post!

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I feel like no matter who you are for some reason “we” think relationships are supposed to be a piece of damn cake.  Why? No one ever said relationships are supposed to be easier. No one ever said even said relationships will be easy.  Every relationship is going to have a challenge, or two, or three or ten.

I’ve been in a relationship for about 9 months now that is starting to make me think twice. I met this guy on OKCupid after about a 3 month single period (after my breakup with a boyfriend of 4 1/2 years). The beginning of the relationship was great and a typical hangout when we had time relationship.  After a few months into being more serious, he said he might be moving to NY and that he wanted to take things back a step (back to casual) because he didn’t want to commit to something if he was going to move.  Oddly enough that made our relationship stronger and ever since that convo we were hanging out 2-4 times a week. He didn’t end up moving and our relationship continued down the serious path it was on. Fast track to middle of September and I am back in school (with a heavy course load) and not to mention also working odd hours to cover my bills. So our time around each other slowed down a bit (understandably), then in October her started working for a new company (instead of himself as he had been) and his schedule became completely full.  Up until the last couple weeks we both seemed to put effort into making our schedules work to see each other at least once a week but this last week that all seemed to change. On both ends not just his but also mine.

This past weekend we had originally made plans to get together to go to the local science academy or just a walk the Golden Gate before I went to work but when I woke up that morning, I just had this odd feeling of I just didn’t want to go. So I texted him and said “Hey I think I’m going to stay home and do homework before work tonight, wanna come over tonight when I’m off.” and his response was “oh okay cool, maybe not tonight I was really looking forward to having alone time.” It didn’t even phase me that he didn’t want to hang out.  Not to mention he didn’t even end up staying home alone that night, he ended up going out with some friends. Again it didn’t even phase me that he’d rather hang with them than me.  Anyways, We went on to make plans for Sunday night instead since I had the evening off work,  but again Sunday came around and a few hours before getting off work I texted him asking “You staying home tonight?” and his answer was “planning on it.” Even though we had already committed the prior day to spending the evening together. ,We both just seemed to not care, that we suddenly weren’t going to be hanging out.

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This recent situation has gotten me to thinking over the past few days (and honestly is something I have thought about off and on over the past few months). Even though when we are together we always have an amazing time, we have great chemistry and truly seem to enjoy being around each other, I just don’t think I’m happy.  Which in all reality isn’t fully true. When we do spend time together, I am happy. I have a great time and am content. But that’s just it. I’m just content.

I honestly don’t want to just be content. This feeling of just being content isn’t what I’ve hoped for in a relationship. I want it to be a non stop adventure.

relationships2

In this contentedness that I feel I’m happy but I’m not as happy as I know I can be or as happy as I want to be.

I know we both have busy schedules and less time for one another, which is completely understandable and fine. When we’ve had free time we’ve done the best we can to make an effort to spend time together but neither one of us are getting much time for just ourselves. And over the last couple months I have started to lose focus on myself. My health, my goals, my friendships, etc. and I know he can relate. I also can’t say that I haven’t enjoyed what we have either, I enjoy every minute we spend together, you make me laugh and we seem to just connect but,

I’m in a place where I think I need one of two things. I either need to know that we are in a serious committed relationship and that we can both be open with our feelings. That we’re focused on each other, each others goals and growing together. No OKC or Tinder accounts (because honestly it bothers me now, that I know he still uses these), continuing to make efforts to see each other as often as we can, making sure we have a continued open communication with one another, expressing our feelings, etc

Or the second thing being that we go back to being in a completely casual relationship or even just strictly a friendship. I value his friendship and obviously don’t want to lose the friendship we have established. But this gives us both time to focus on ourselves, our work/education and personal individual goals. If we find ourselves wanting to hang out everyone once in a while than we do so wether it be to go out on a date or just catch up. From this we either find that we want to be with one another or we don’t and either way we continue to build a lasting friendship without hurting one another.

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Today we came to the deciding factor that option two is the best option for us both right now. Here’s to figuring things out and growing as individuals. I know this is the best for me and probably him but at the same time I’m sure I’ll miss the relationship we had created.

Thanks for listening and Happy Friday Loves –

Christy 

 

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