Life

Rewind…Fast Forward… Now What…

REWIND:

About 7 years ago I graduated from high school with the plan to never attend college. At 18 I was over education and thought I was invisible.  6 months later I was bored with my everyday life and had a random desire to head back to school. So with that I enrolled myself in community college and started taking the basic math and english courses.  Add another year and I was transferring to a community college in California and narrowing down my ideas for a major. Add 6 months and I had decided on a Business degree. Another year later I was changing my degree focus to Marketing and 6 months later changing it to Communication.  Insert one year and its 2011 and I’ve finished the course work for 3 Associates Degrees and am being told its time I transferred to a State or University school to achieve my bachelors degree. Fall 2012 arrives and I’m sitting in a classroom at San Francisco State University pursuing my communication degree.

FAST FORWARD:

It’s May 8th 2014, I have exactly three more days of school left to attend, and one final exam to take before I graduate from San Francisco State University. With a degree in the Study of Communication. I am stressed and anxious. My senioritis has hit in full force. My attention is lost. My drive for education seems to have dissipated. I just want it to be over. The end is so near but it seems so far away.

Well NOW what:

It’s the same question day in and day out. Everyone I talk to wants to know what my plans are for after graduation. Well at this point my plans are to celebrate. That’s right. I’m going to rejoice in the fact that after 7 years I have completed and achieved 3 Associates and 1 Bachelors degrees. I have worked my ass off in doing so.  I have struggled through 40+ hour work weeks, alongside 16 hours of school in those weeks, and endless amounts of homework.  I have sacrificed relationships, jobs, friendship, experiences, and my life for my education. I have racked a serious amount of student debt, I have lost focus on my health and body image.  But most of all:

I have GAINED! I have GROWN! I have LEARNED!

I’ve had different experiences, relationships, jobs, friendships and a different life. With all that I have sacrificed, I have gained. I have grown. I have learned. And it is with that, that I can now celebrate. I can celebrate the last 7 years. I can celebrate the struggles, the joy, the fear, the pain, the love, the old, the new, the experiences, the knowledge, the growth, the understanding.

I can celebrate ME!

I wouldn’t be the women, person, figure, image, imagination, child, sister, daughter, friend, enemy, lover, hater, that I am today.  I would be that same high school graduate that I was. That girl I look back at and shake my head at.  That girl who had crazy dreams. That girl who was lost in her own world. That girl that I didn’t want to be for the rest of my life.

SO YA: 

To answer everyone and anyone. I am going to celebrate my accomplishments. I am going to celebrate who I am, what I have learned, my experiences, the person I have become.

I am going to celebrate CHRISTINA!

 

 

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Life, Love

No one said it was easy

*disclaimer this post my include a bit of emotion and ranting. This is a full-fledged feelings post!

Relationships1

I feel like no matter who you are for some reason “we” think relationships are supposed to be a piece of damn cake.  Why? No one ever said relationships are supposed to be easier. No one ever said even said relationships will be easy.  Every relationship is going to have a challenge, or two, or three or ten.

I’ve been in a relationship for about 9 months now that is starting to make me think twice. I met this guy on OKCupid after about a 3 month single period (after my breakup with a boyfriend of 4 1/2 years). The beginning of the relationship was great and a typical hangout when we had time relationship.  After a few months into being more serious, he said he might be moving to NY and that he wanted to take things back a step (back to casual) because he didn’t want to commit to something if he was going to move.  Oddly enough that made our relationship stronger and ever since that convo we were hanging out 2-4 times a week. He didn’t end up moving and our relationship continued down the serious path it was on. Fast track to middle of September and I am back in school (with a heavy course load) and not to mention also working odd hours to cover my bills. So our time around each other slowed down a bit (understandably), then in October her started working for a new company (instead of himself as he had been) and his schedule became completely full.  Up until the last couple weeks we both seemed to put effort into making our schedules work to see each other at least once a week but this last week that all seemed to change. On both ends not just his but also mine.

This past weekend we had originally made plans to get together to go to the local science academy or just a walk the Golden Gate before I went to work but when I woke up that morning, I just had this odd feeling of I just didn’t want to go. So I texted him and said “Hey I think I’m going to stay home and do homework before work tonight, wanna come over tonight when I’m off.” and his response was “oh okay cool, maybe not tonight I was really looking forward to having alone time.” It didn’t even phase me that he didn’t want to hang out.  Not to mention he didn’t even end up staying home alone that night, he ended up going out with some friends. Again it didn’t even phase me that he’d rather hang with them than me.  Anyways, We went on to make plans for Sunday night instead since I had the evening off work,  but again Sunday came around and a few hours before getting off work I texted him asking “You staying home tonight?” and his answer was “planning on it.” Even though we had already committed the prior day to spending the evening together. ,We both just seemed to not care, that we suddenly weren’t going to be hanging out.

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This recent situation has gotten me to thinking over the past few days (and honestly is something I have thought about off and on over the past few months). Even though when we are together we always have an amazing time, we have great chemistry and truly seem to enjoy being around each other, I just don’t think I’m happy.  Which in all reality isn’t fully true. When we do spend time together, I am happy. I have a great time and am content. But that’s just it. I’m just content.

I honestly don’t want to just be content. This feeling of just being content isn’t what I’ve hoped for in a relationship. I want it to be a non stop adventure.

relationships2

In this contentedness that I feel I’m happy but I’m not as happy as I know I can be or as happy as I want to be.

I know we both have busy schedules and less time for one another, which is completely understandable and fine. When we’ve had free time we’ve done the best we can to make an effort to spend time together but neither one of us are getting much time for just ourselves. And over the last couple months I have started to lose focus on myself. My health, my goals, my friendships, etc. and I know he can relate. I also can’t say that I haven’t enjoyed what we have either, I enjoy every minute we spend together, you make me laugh and we seem to just connect but,

I’m in a place where I think I need one of two things. I either need to know that we are in a serious committed relationship and that we can both be open with our feelings. That we’re focused on each other, each others goals and growing together. No OKC or Tinder accounts (because honestly it bothers me now, that I know he still uses these), continuing to make efforts to see each other as often as we can, making sure we have a continued open communication with one another, expressing our feelings, etc

Or the second thing being that we go back to being in a completely casual relationship or even just strictly a friendship. I value his friendship and obviously don’t want to lose the friendship we have established. But this gives us both time to focus on ourselves, our work/education and personal individual goals. If we find ourselves wanting to hang out everyone once in a while than we do so wether it be to go out on a date or just catch up. From this we either find that we want to be with one another or we don’t and either way we continue to build a lasting friendship without hurting one another.

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Today we came to the deciding factor that option two is the best option for us both right now. Here’s to figuring things out and growing as individuals. I know this is the best for me and probably him but at the same time I’m sure I’ll miss the relationship we had created.

Thanks for listening and Happy Friday Loves –

Christy 

 

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Monday Inspiration

Monday Inspiration: Glad you are alive!

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Today this quote just hits me.  After spending a wonderful couple days with the main squeeze and then catching up with one of my closest friends tonight, the thought of how happy both these people make me is a great reason to why I am glad to be alive.

On another note, this also leads into a post soon to come: Why should you be alive?

– Christy

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Life, Love

Choosing Happiness…

In Charge Quote

Today I choose this quote because I realize there are a lot of things I have been questioning in my life and a lot of the time my go to question is am I going to be happy with this decision.  So when I stumbled upon this quote this morning, I felt it was a perfect fit for todays inspiration.

I think right now where I am fighting the most at making decisions of happiness is within the relationship I am involved in.  The relationship I am currently involved in is an interesting one. We have been hanging out for about 6 months now and doing relationship involved things since. We at one point decided we were dating and then a couple of month later he decided it was best for him to not be in a relationship and that our time spent together would basically just be as friends, every once in a while, when we had time. However, since that time things haven’t really changed from the “relationship status” time. We still do everything boyfriends and girlfriends do, we hang out all the time, we text daily, etc  I guess we just don’t have the title.

Anyways, the questions that come up for me are; Is this healthy? Are we boyfriend/girlfriend? Do I want to be boyfriend/girlfriend? Do I talk to him about my feelings? If I talk to him about what I am feel will it end what we have?

All of these questions have one other question that goes with each of them, am I happy and or will I be happy with the outcome or answer? At this point my answer to that is always I don’t know. But at this current time what we have going makes me happy, the time we spend together makes me happy and he makes me happy.

So today I continue to choose to be happy in the moment. However, in the near future I need to take the step to figure out what is really going on between us whether it is going to make me happy or even sad, I need to be happy in the fact that I know what this is.

Do you have any advice? Do you have anything that you’re struggling to find happiness in? What makes you happy? I want to hear from you, please comment on my post, I love to connect with my readers.

Happy Monday –

– CT 

 

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