Life, Love

Who am I… a never ending question

blog 12:3

Every person goes through those times in life where they just realize the realities of their lives. They realize that ____ is what they want to do, _____ is who they want to be with for the rest of their lives, and _______ is what they will aspire to be.

It wasn’t until recently I had one of those realizations. Although, it may not be as specific as I want to be with this person, I want to do this or I want to aspire to be this realization, it WAS a realization of who I really am.

Although, I feel like I still can’t fully express who I am, I can express my current feelings, struggles and look for advice in the most conspicuous way I can.

By what I have to say some of you may be able to jump to a correct assumption, but others I am sure will choose to convince themselves of something different. They will do what I have been doing for the past 12 years.

I remember the first time I realized I was different from everyone else, it changed my life forever and I have just now come to realize how it changed my life.

I put myself into a self-induced depression. I took everything else going on in my life and used it as the blames for why I was so depressed, unhappy and down right a bitch of an adolescent (sorry mom(s)). Although, some of the things happening in life we’re a source of my depression the underlying factor was so much more than I wished to confront.

//

I blamed my parents for getting a divorce.
I blamed my dad for being in the military and being shipped off to Iraq.
I blamed my moms for not giving me the attention I wanted.
I blamed my sister, for being the perfect one.
I blamed God.
I struggled with my faith.
I surrounded myself with boys.
I chose to live a life evolving more drugs and sex than one needs to admit too.
I choose to stay in relationships that were unhealthy.
I choose to stay in relationships because everyone thought we were “perfect together.”
I chose to tell myself I was a horrible person.
I chose to tell myself that I would never be good enough.
I chose to hide who I really am.
I chose to work harder at everything else in life to make up for “it.”
I chose to distance myself from my family and friends.
I chose a life with no friends, (at one point).
I chose to ignore all the thoughts in my head.
I chose to be miserable.

//

After years and years of being miserable and choosing the lifestyle I had chosen I finally came to a realization.

I started to explore my feelings.
I slowly started to express my feelings to the friends I had, to the people I met.
I chose to not let the judgement of other bother me.
I chose to surround myself with like individuals.

But all the while I still chose to hide it.

Up until about two weeks ago, I finally started to explore this part of who I am. I randomly one day opened up to two of the most important people in my life my mom and my step mom, only to find my stepmom knew all along and that her love for me would never change and that my mom totally understood and would love me know matter what.

So it’s at this point that I can only hope, that over the next few weeks/months that I open up. That I let people in, that they will to react as my moms did and be here for me like they have always been.

I know that in reality not everyone will be as supportive or understanding. I know that I may lose people, relationships, and even respect. But I know if I continue to lie to myself and those who are in my life and those who continue to enter my life, then I will for always and ever be hurting myself and will never truly be happy.

Like my mom said. “I’m happy, but am I really happy? You, Sweetie need to be happy and whatever that is that makes you happy is what makes you, you!

blog 12:1-1

Advertisements
Standard
Life, Love

Letter to My Great Grandpa

Great Grandpa

Dear Great Grandpa,

Today we honor the man you were…

Actually today I honor the man you ARE. Yes, you may be in another place but to me you are still very much here and apart of my every day life. Not a day goes by that I don’t look at the framed picture, of you and grandma, that sits on my bookshelf. I blow you a kiss and wish you a splendid day. If only I could hug you and make your ear buzz!

Remember those days, when I was little, wait who am I kidding. If I saw you tomorrow I would still do it. I would run up to you hug you and put my ear to your ear until your hearing aid buzzed. I hear that buzz in my dreams everyone once in a while and I wake up knowing that’s your way of telling me you’re still here.

You are the man who paved the path for our family. The man who served in many wars and still found a way to come home. The man who raised a family that loves and adores each and every person in our lives. The man who taught me how to garden, to love someone with all my heart, to appreciate the little things.

Not a day goes by that I don’t think about the millions of moments we spent together, and the millions of moments I missed with you.

I have so many fond memories with you, there are those of picking blueberries in the garden with you for Grandma’s blueberry pie or Papa’s blueberry jam, walking hand in hand with you over to the neighbors to feed and pet the horses, now I know where my love of horses came from, and even just sitting in the trailer drinking tea and eating cookies. To this day I still sit and have a glass of ice team and a cookie or two just like we used too.

Those sure were the days, when I was young and all I wanted to do was spend time with you. Then I started to grow up, I ventured out into the world of friends, boyfriends, working, getting in trouble, expending my life. etc. Our time together slowly dwindled down to once or twice a year.

Of course then I moved and our relationship was down to a phone call every 6 months or so, SHIT not even that, pardon my Tamm language. Ya I got that from you too.

Then out of know where I realized I hadn’t seen you in 5 whole years, and I couldn’t wait to come home to see you. I received the phone call that changed everything. That phone call from dad, on 9/11/13 “ Sweetie, I wish I didn’t have to tell you this over the phone but Grandpa Tamm passed away today.”

I was and still am literally crushed inside. One of the most important men in my life, that I have looked up too since the day I was born has passed and I never had the opportunity to say my good-byes. I know you knew I loved you and missed you but there’s days where I don’t think you knowing was enough, I should have called more. I should have come home and visited more. I should have known you weren’t well, I should have come home and seen you.

Ya, ya I know you’re probably shaking your finger at me right now. Telling me to not worry about it. That you knowing I was pursuing my dreams was enough for you. You always made sure we all knew family was/is important, but that what we wanted to do and where we wanted to be in life was just as important.

I wish you were here, I wish you were here to celebrate the holidays one last time with the family. It’s so amazing to have Grandma around for Thanksgiving. It’s the first time I have ever sat at the dinner table with her for Thanksgiving.

She seems to be doing well by the way. She miss you like crazy and you can hear it in her voice when she talks about you. We all miss you like crazy.

I know it will pass and the newness of your non-existence will pass. But forever and always I promise to remember you and always seek your acceptance. I know you will find your own way to tell me that everything I am doing is okay and that I am still the little girl you used to carry over to see the horses.

I will forever keep you in my memories and forever keep you in my life. Yesterday I went and got my first tattoo and its in honor of you.

Tattoo

Rest in peace Richard Eugene Tamm you will forever be the man in my dreams, the man I look up too every day. I will forever love you!

# generations

3 Generations! Great Grandpa (Center) Papa (Left) Dad (Right)

 

Standard
Health, Life

Health // Diets are not for me!

It has just come in for the umpteenth time.

Diets are NOT for me!!!

I know its funny, my last post was just on eating Paleo for two weeks. And that was all with good intentions.  I managed it for a week and lost two pounds, but the kicker is, that’s it. I didn’t feel any different health wise all week, my energy level was actually lower than normal this entire past week and my emotions we’re a little….

  • lets just say I was a big B word this past week. 

Diets just aren’t for me. I’ve known this long enough but for some reason, I keep telling myself I can do it.  Every time I hear about the new “fad diet” out there, I jump at trying it and after a week, the same thing happens.

  • I’m the kinda girl who LOVES food. 

One of the reasons I love living in San Francisco is the vast amount of restaurant at my finger tips. But, when I go on a diet every two to three weeks, I surrender the option to eat at any of those restaurants. Not fair to my love for San Francisco. 

  • If I put just as much effort into working out as I do dieting…

Seriously though, I love to work out/exercise. I love riding my bike, and doing yoga. Lately I have started to fall into lust with running. So if I just put all the effort I have been putting into dieting into exercise, I wouldn’t have any issues. I’d probably be in better shape. Wait no I WOULD be in better shape and I’d stay in better shape.

So on to the next and better of the two goals…. 

1. Spend 20 + minutes a day doing some form of exercise

a. Walking the hills of the city

b. Go for a run

c. Go for a bike ride

d. Do an at home workout routine

c. Do yoga

2. Meet my daily steps goal (tracked through Argus on my phone)

3. Eat as healthy as I can throughout the day // But don’t stress over it, just do it habitually

4. Drink more water than anything else I drink all day

5. Just relax and enjoy my body for what it is

large

Do you struggle with diets?  Do you prefer to diet or work out?  What are your secrets?  Please feel free to comment and/or share.

Happy Thursday Lovelies.

 ~ C

 

Standard
Health, Life

Current Goal // Eat Paleo

keep-calm-and-eat-paleo-2

Last week I decided on a whim to start eating Paleo. I have given myself the goal of two weeks of eating paleo with on 1 cheat day a week. The cheat day is a way of rewarding myself for keeping my goal all week.

My main reason for going paleo was to lose a few little pounds before my Birthday Weekend in Vegas. But, as I began to think about it going paleo could be really good for my body and my crohns disease.  I know my doctor and others with the disease have mentioned it to me before, but I have always just looked it over.

So far the diet has been a lot easier than I thought it would be. I already feel must better. My energy level has gone up and my appetite is already starting to curb itself. I don’t want to munch so much.  The hardest part is the cravings for things, and/or when you pick up something you think is paleo ok and then read the label to find it has like one thing that’s not paleo.

What’s really cool is all the awesome recipes out there. Like Palo Chocolate Chip Cookies and Paleo Blueberry Muffins… Um hello can you say… YUM! Both of those recipes have been a life saver for my sweet tooth.

Here are a few pictures of the meals I have had thus far:

poatroast in crock potPot Roast Mealmaking food work at workBlueberry muffins

Standard
Uncategorized

Cleanse, Detox, Diet

Its seems like recently everyone is on some sort of diet, cleanse or detox.

I myself am not normally someone who does these types of things. However, with a bunch of friends raving about the Master Cleanse and my health, the good Ol’ Crohn’s, I thought I would give it a try.

I even enlisted the Mr. to be my moral support and do it with me. We both have been talking about just getting ourselves back on a healthy life style track, changing our diet and just getting back into a better mind thought process. This cleanse seemed to be a great option to kick-start that.

We both figured as soon as we finished the cleanse, eating healthy would be easy because healthy foods would taste so good and with out the cravings for fatty foods we would be able to continue a healthy diet easily without them. I knew I’d then be able to start a diet that would help alleviate some of my Crohn’s symptoms. So we picked a start date and that was that!

If you don’t know what the Master Cleanse is : It’s a 10 day liquid diet with a drink that is basically lemonade.

Ingredients:

Fresh Squeezed Lemon Juice
Maple Syrup
Cayenne Pepper
Water

master cleanse

Sounds Yummy Right? Well actually it really in’t bad at all. Tastes like a slightly spicy lemonade.

Mr. and I knew we wouldn’t be able to jump straight into the liquid diet only so we choose to do the ease in. This is an option where you can eat fruit and veggies for the first three days of the cleanse (if needed).  So with our plan set in motion last Sunday evening I headed to Trader Joe’s and stocked us up on our needed supplies for a few days.

On Monday morning we woke up and made our first spicy lemonade blend and each had a banana. As the day went on we both continued to drink our lemonade and here an there would be found snacking on bell pepper slices, strawberries or carrots.  Towards the end of the day we were both losing our energy levels and already craving every other food option out there.  How tempting it was to just give up then and go have our favorite meal of Fish and Chips.

Don’t worry we didn’t do it. We continued our liquid diet through the evening. Tuesday morning I woke up pretty shaky, really noticing the effect the cleanse was already having on my body. A lemonade drink and banana later I was feeling a bit better. I prepped my days worth of lemonade grabbed a few fruit and veggie snacks to get me through my 10 hour day at school and headed out the door.

Around 10 am it hit me. My body was not a happy camper. I suddenly had no energy, a very unhappy stomach and a pounding headache. Things were not looking good for me. Mr. on the other hand was just waking up at this point and other than feeling like he just didn’t have any energy he was doing fine.

My cravings for some sort of actual substance was growing by the second. I spent most of my next to class period falling asleep (not good when trying to learn) and also talking myself out of rushing down to the cafe to grab a huge sandwich  Mr. tried to motivate me via text throughout the morning, which helped keep me as focused as I could be on the fact that I was doing this cleanse for a reason.

Come my 3pm afternoon class, my body was shutting down. I went home early from school and unfortunately spent the rest of the day being best friends with my toilet. I was praying to the toilet gods and man it sucked. Even though throwing up was a side effect of doing a detox, I was done.  There was no way I was going to put my body through anymore of what I was already going through.

Mr. was even beginning to not be able to focus on work at all and having stomach pains.  I knew he would have been about to pull through and handle the cleanse but he really wanted to be able to focus on work.

So that was the end of the great Master Cleanse for the both of us.  We are both still looking for something to help us basically reset.

I wish anyone trying to do a cleanse like the Master Cleanse luck. I don’t think there is any way I could have finished the cleanse but hopefully I will be able to find something that will end up working for me. Any ideas?

Have you tried the Master Cleanse? Have you done a detox, or cleanse that worked for you? What have your results of a detox or cleanses been?

– C

Standard