101 in 1001, Life, Love

Pain. Fear. Love.

The past few months life just hasn’t been the same. I’ve found who I really am, I’ve fallen in love with someone I never thought I could love. Ive become vulnerable to pain again. I’ve put my self in a place where I can be hurt again, where my world could instantly fall to pieces but I’m the happiest I think I have ever been.

Loving someone is hard, letting someone into my life to love me is even harder. I fear rejection, I fear pain and by letting someone into my life, into a level of such an emotional state I let down the walls that barricade the possibilities for rejection and pain.

I know things are different, they have to be. My feelings make that apparent. She has become my everything!

I thought she would just be another one of my phases. A phase of trying to find my sexuality, trying to find who I can be, who I want to be. To me, being with a girl has always been so taboo. I’ve enjoyed every moment I’ve ever had with women but always thought I’d have to be with a man, I’d have to do right by my family. Until I met her.

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The minute she introduced herself to my I was hooked. That smile of hers melted my heart. Her demeanor, her strength, her wit all drew me in. I found myself always longing to hang out with her. Every chance I had to flirt with her, just talk to her, or just plain be around her, I would jump at the opportunity.

Becoming her friend was all I could do, all I knew I should do, the only thing I was going to allow myself to do. Becoming her friend was perfect, she was the friend I needed, someone I connected with so well.

I got to know her for who she was. I wasn’t like the other girls. She didn’t put up a front, she told me everything, she let me into her life, who she was, what she loved and hated about herself, what she wanted in life. And with everything I learned about her my heart started to swell. The typical me after hearing about her past, who she was, what she hated about herself would have ran for the hills. I typically would have stayed far far away from this girl. This girl who would break me, would hurt me, would cause me so much pain. But, I just couldn’t seem to shake her.

I still can’t shake her! I won’t shake her. I want her around. I want her around forever. Forever… such a huge infinite word, but seriously I don’t want “this” to change. This girl has changed my world, this girl has become my world.

Thinking about how much I love her is painful. It brings tears to my eyes. But it’s a pain you only feel when you’re in love and the tears are tears of joy.

Her warm embrace, her sweet kisses, her laugh, her smell, her beauty, her strength, her passions, her, her, her… I’m in love with her, everything about her.

I don’t know what our future holds for us. What I do know is that our present is near perfect. I hope that our future continues down this perfect path. I hope my love for her only grows never fades. I hope that she loves me the way I love her, and that her love never fades. I hope she’ll continue to be mine for forever. Yes I said it “forever!”

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